The beginning of a masterpiece, our first projects, and how to sabotage a third year minor

Alreet?

Recent news now: production group D1 (aka Cheese on Toast Productions) have shot and aired their first project, and are already prepared for their second.
The first was a non-assessed piece involving interaction between two characters, no dialogue and only ten static shots - no zooms, pans, tracking etc.
On this shoot, I was production assistant, and a pretty poor job I did of it. I storyboarded it (which wasn't my job) and filled out the risk assessment forms, which I did hand in on time. HOWEVER, all you production managers and assistants out there, DO NOT hand in your risk assessment forms until you have secured a location.
I was stupid enough to forget to visit estates, the part of ther university which deals with the management of all different areas of the campus, until the morning of the shoot. Once there, I found that we would not be permitted to film ANYWHERE unless I handed in a signed copy of the risk assessment, which very much existed but was very much in the hands of our group's tutor, Sue Sudbury.
Sooo we were very naughty and shot anyway.
The location was the mens' toilets on the fourth floor of Weymouth House. Luckily enough we weren't discovered, although a sprinting man did voice some disappointment when he skidded to a halt outside and saw our nice little sign.
But yes, all I did the whole time was fill out some forms and not hand them in to the right place, and stand around doing sod all during the shoot. In fact I think I sat out in the corridor for a lot of it.
So, no matter how small your job seems, you can ALWAYS do more, be it to get drinks, to help hold stuff, to shout at people not to cross the room or to shut up please...
Or else everyone thinks you're a lazy arse, and you have this great sense of a lack of fulfillment.
This time, I'm on lighting - a crucial job for our next shoot. And I intend to be THE BEST lighting designer in the world.

The last project was based in an office. Two men race down a corridor into the toilets, absolutely bursting.
HOWEVER, only one urinal is in working order.
Suddenly, it's the wild west. The two men face off, squaring up to each other, flies at the ready.
Then the door creaks open. Western-mode is lost. Cheese on Toast's trademark character, a poker-faced man with strange glasses, walks in, unnoticed at first, and uses the urinal.
The two men finally notice his presence and shake their heads in despair.

Our next project gives us a lot more leeway. We can use any number of different types of shots and go off campus. It is based on a work of art - in our case a photograph entitled 'Insomnia' by Jeff Wall.
I won't release any further details yet, just in case it changes.

Ok, onto my masterpiece.
Having written a skeleton of an introduction (while drunk, which actually helped - not that I suggest you do that...), I am now about halfway through the first paragraph of my essay on the history of documentary. I've always been interested in it, so the difficulty for me is not the actual writing, but the being arsed to get going. Also, I'm REALLY bad at research. My idea is to write the bare bones and flesh it out with relevant quotes later.

And finally - the third year shoot.
I recently volunteered to act as part of a third year's minor, and work began at 6.30 yesterday.
I turned up at the production manager's house about half an hour early, knocked on the door and there was no one there. I went to Waitrose and bought a Galaxy. I came back and knocked again. No one there. I went to the corner shop and bought a cookie. I came back and knocked on again. No one there. I remembered I had his number and called him.
I was at the wrong house.
What followed was a first hand example of how an actor should NOT behave on set.
Afer trying on my awesome 70s costume (I didn't know the film was set in the 70s - lack of research on my part!) I explained I hadn't brought my script because I only had two lines and I knew them, but could I please take a look at it anyway...?
I spoke to no one except the sound guy (and that was only because I had a crush on him).
The other actors were from London and had travelled all those miles together in a Ford KA, so they were having a great time nattering together on set. I sat in the corner and ate custard creams and crisps, and had a little sleep.
I listened to my instructions, but they still had to repeat them about four times as much for me as they did for the others.
When it was my turn to be on camera, I moved like a robot and talked like a robot, albeit a very quiet one. Because I hadn't spoken to the other actor in my scene, I was very nervous around him. Plus, I hadn't told anyone I'd never acted for camera before, so I didn't recieve any tips. In fact, if I'd told them that, they might've gone for someone better.
My last few shots took about five or six takes to do, by which time we were way beyond the designated wrap time anyway. It was 1.30 AM and people were pissed off and sweaty.
In conclusion, don't work with anyone good if you're shit.

It is SO worth it to help out the third years as a runner or something. Watching them set up tracks for a dolly or try to settle things with the owner of a location or give instructions to the actors showed me what it would be like for me over the coming years. The six-and-a-half hours spent preparing and shooting was absolutely fascinating and VERY intense.
I still want to be an actor, but that shoot showed me I need to get over camera fright and general shyness and give people what they want if I'm going to get anywhere.

SO that was the not very brief lowdown. It's Saturday. I'm off to get wankered.
I'll do some more essay tomorrow. Promise.

xxx